Hello beautiful readers,
It’s me. It’s been quite a while, although I do remember promising you that I wouldn’t post often enough to become a pest. (BTW, How’m I doing with that part?)
As it happens, I’m in the 5th week post op from surgery for a ruptured Achilles. The reaction, and follow up question I get a lot from friends, and neighbors on the dock when they see me in/on my wheelchair, walker, now scooter & crutches is: “OUCH”! (ouch is right), and then “how did you DO that? Something glamorous/exciting?”
My shy response? “Nope, just fell.”
The care I got – pre op, op, and post op – was rigorous, meticulous, generous and loving. My surgeon, Danny, is a totally amazing young guy. When told he was gonna be a half hour or so behind schedule, (no biggie), I asked the pre-op staff what happened. They told me that it takes him a bit longer to arrive and get set up lately, because he broke his ankle a couple of weeks earlier and had to navigate, and work, with crutches and in a boot. He operated on me (great job), with a broken ankle!! Can you believe that??!! If that isn’t dedication and loving, tell me what is!
Anyway, the recovery will be lengthy – several months, and for the 1st 5 weeks no weight bearing…nada! Doing any moving happens only with the above mentioned contraptions and for the stairs, on my bum. Mostly I sit in the corner of our living room, wearing out my favorite chair, kind of like a self created time out. But unlike “Dennis’s” time outs, I wasn’t obliged to be looking at the wall. All the views here are gorgeous.
Bummer? Or opportunity?
I’d like to share some of the lessons (biggies), that I’m learning from the opportunity being offered to me by this experience, hoping that maybe even one thing in here might serve you in some way.
Firstly, and at the top of the list from the beginning, was my intention not to feel sorry for myself in any way. No “woe is me” stuff.
After all, my own “Achilles Experience” was WAY less consequential for me, than it was for my namesake’s tendon…RIGHT? I was clear on that from the beginning. Unlike him, (and too many others with WAY worse diagnoses than mine), I’m gonna heal up and be just fine. Just that alone, is a HUGE gift of perspective on all this. And there have been many, many more of those.
Alexander Rothaug (German, 1870 1946) Death Of Achilles
Biggie #1:
Suffering? Really?
“If you want a chicken to be a duck,
and a duck to be a chicken,
you will suffer.”
Ajahn Chah
There’s a basic teaching (among so many others) in my quite relaxed Buddhist practice that is coming in very handy these days. It goes something like this: “My pain may be real, but my suffering is optional.“ The suffering, is the: “I don’t like this”, “why me?” “get this away!” “when will this end?” It’s WE who create the suffering.
“The problem with the word “patience”,
is that it implies we are waiting for something
to get better, for something good to happen.
A more accurate word for this quality is “constancy” –
a capacity to be with what is true, moment after moment.”
Suzuki Roshi
Let me offer you a non-serious illustration of this: I attend meditation practice on Sundays at Green Gulch Farm (SF Zen Center). When my nose gets itchy during Zazen, I’m not supposed to scratch. The teaching, is that this body sensation, (my itchy nose), is just a thought. And a thought, just like a puffy white cloud in a blue sky, will simply float away, and soon be replaced by another…then another.
So, what does my itchy nose have to do with my Achilles? Why am I telling you this?
Well as you saw in the above photo, I had this bright green cast, and although I didn’t have actual pain (thanks Danny), I did have itch thoughts – lots of ’em – that came up from under it, and boy did they ever feel real. And of course, totally unable to scratch. But, thanks to my Zenster teachers, I wasn’t helpless, I thought of them as clouds and they really did move on.
Biggie #2:
I AM worthy…huh! What a concept!
If you have been independent your whole life, which thankfully most of have, accepting care is a big, BIG lesson we all need to learn – even more so when we are blessed to keep aging.
Many, perhaps most of you, have heard of Ram Dass, but before that, he was Richard Alpert, a Professor of Psychology at Harvard who got kicked out along with Timothy Leary due to their experiments (with their students) with psychedelics. He then went to India on a spiritual journey, and after finding and studying at length with his Hindu Guru (Neem Karoli Baba), returned to America (wearing a bed sheet) as “Ram Dass” (servant of God), to write and to teach. Over the course of his life he has given all of the royalties and profits from his numerous, books, talks, teaching, and films (which have uplifted and inspired people worldwide…me included) to his foundation and other charitable causes. At his lectures, so very wise, loving and articulate, he used to joke about what “RAM” in his name really meant: “Rent A Mouth.”
Rabbi Zalman Schachter-Shalomi Ram Dass
In 1997, he suffered a stroke that left him with expressive aphasia, thus with the big challenge of relearning how to speak – the very faculty by which he gifted so many of us. But being Ram Dass, he interpreted that as an act of “grace”. He said, “The stroke was giving me lessons, and I realized that was grace—fierce grace”. (BTW, if you haven’t seen his film Fierce Grace, do it). Compared to recovering from a stroke, and learning to talk again, my Achilles deal is nothing!
In his writings after his stroke, he described the major challenge that it was for him to accept care (and as you can well imagine, on a way bigger level than I need to), a lesson that he said he was grateful to learn: To acknowledge that you really are worthy of being loved, and of accepting care from people who do love you and who actually want to care for you.
And, while I’m on this topic of gratitude, it’s what I feel big time. Maybe, just maybe, being treated like a pasha by my loving bride of 48 years Laura, and my amazing daughter Julia, is actually OK!
Ditto for all the caring and attentions of beautiful friends and neighbors, who visit, call from everywhere, and cook food for us. And (Ditto (#2) – gratitude for the lesson of letting go of guilt and of comfortable routine – namely being OK with Laura taking over the stuff that I usually do (shopping, cooking, etc), allowing her to learn, grow, get stronger and more independent. That’s healthy for the both of us and for our relationship. BIG BONUS!!
Biggie #3:
Dolce Far Niente
There’s a short parable that I really like. I found it years ago in a book of Zen stories, but honestly, I don’t know what’s so “Zenish” about it. Seems pretty universal to me, and now, VERY personal too. Voila:
There’s this horse which comes suddenly galloping really fast down a road, with its the rider seemingly on very important business, and needing to get to his destination urgently.
Another man, standing alongside the road, was quite impressed, and shouted, “Where are you going in such a hurry?”
The man on the horse replied: “I don’t know! Ask the horse!”
So, where AM I going?? And what’s the rush?
I’ve discovered that having time (forced?) to read whatever I want, listen to whatever I want, write whatever I want, and watch whatever I want – all whenever I want, is not such a bad deal at all. Yikes! Why do I resist this?
Why feel “guilty” for not being “busy doing”, or “in control?” (In control??…HA? Are we ever?). I realize that I am actually having quite a FINE time with this part.
Ram Dass (yeah…him again. I told you – big teacher for me), used to say: ”Everybody’s “shoulding” on me.” I realized that I “should” on myself way more that anyone else does to me. So, I’ve decided to try to stop it.
This “slack” time has also been a big opportunity to consider how I want to use the rest of the time being generously allotted to me by my creator. What work do I want to do in the world at this time in my life? Where, and who, can my skills and life experience (old white guy) help the most as a volunteer? At age 75, that’s very important question for me. What’s important to me NOW?
One of those things is this: See it? I’m learning it (a lifetime wish), but sooo slowly. I look at it daily (and here from my corner, hourly). I pick it up. I strum it. I really do – but not often enough. It speaks to me: “Michael. pick me up. You’ve only learned 8 chords! What’re you waiting for?” “OK buddy. I’m listening now. Gonna pick you up every day.I promise!”
Biggie #4:
As Good as It Gets
Growing old with someone you love, and who loves you back is one of life’s hugest privileges. This, of course I’ve realized and said, for a long time, but the truth of that keeps getting more and more apparent – now especially when it’s “in my face” due to all of the additional time we spend together. How can you possibly say thank you to someone who has spent her (or his) one, very, very precious life with you?
So, if there are any youngsters still reading these words from this old geezer, first lemme say I am greatly flattered; and secondly some advice. It’s really good advice!
And, I pray this will not be your destiny, but if…only if it is your destiny to get only one really, really important thing right in your life (and to f*&k up everything else), CHOOSE THE RIGHT MATE/PARTNER. GET THAT RIGHT! Trust me, THAT’S the biggie.
“Husband and wife
drinking tea.
Your smile, my smile.
Your tears, my tears.”
Kyozan Joshu Sasa
Practice Tip
With your kind permission, I’d like to briefly revisit the “no woe is me” (the suffering) department. For this, I’d love for you to meet Nick if you are willing, and to do that, simply click on the link right below:
Maybe you know about him. If not, you’ll not soon forget him. I can’t begin to conceive of, let alone understand, the challenges (mental and physical) that this man has overcome since his birth in Australia, in order to create the beautiful life he now enjoys.
Whenever I even begin to think “woe is me”, I – and doubtless millions of others (no kidding…millions) – think about Nick, and are inspired by this motivational speaker, evangelist, non-profit founder, author, husband and father of 4.
Gotta go now now dear reader. Just got “the boot” yesterday (trust me, in this context “getting the boot” is a really good thing). A PT is coming over soon to show me how to move on from crawling to walking. Hmm…thought I’d already learned that a while back. Oh well….here I go!
If you have read this far, thank you, and until next time,
Please, take care of, and be kind to…yourself.
Bless you, and all those whom you love.
Metta,
Michael
