Hello dear beautiful reader,
It’s Michael. I’m soo very happy to be back with you. It’s been a while. I pray that you, and all those whom you love, are happy, healthy, safe, peaceful and free!
Not long ago, I came across these words (in the headline just above) written by 20th C French philosopher and author Albert Camus, and because I’m approaching my 76th B’day pretty soon, (YIKES! How did THAT happen??!!), this kind of stuff has been on my mind lately.
Am I finally wearing my own face…at last? Which one IS THAT? And IF not yet, then WHEN?
So because I believe that the different faces we wear (actually, should we be calling them masks?) is a big topic for every one of us, I thought I’d share my process with you, in this post.
It seems to me that who I really am is wayy more than my upbringing, societal pressures, my work, how others see me, and more even than my own body! Can this be true only about me? I reckon not.
Another famous Frenchman, Francois de la Rochefoucauld (this one from the 17th C), described this same phenomenon in different words:
“We are so accustomed
to disguise ourselves to others,
that in the end we become,
disguised to ourselves.”
Ditto renowned playwright Eugene O’neill:
“One’s outer life passes in a solitude
haunted by the masks of others.
Ones inner life passes in a solitude
hounded by the masks of one’s self.”
And, my fave poet, Rainer Maria Rilke, (19th-20th C, this time an Austrian guy) whose words I’m sure I’ve shared with you in the past, said this about this:
“….it never occurred to me before how many faces there are. There are multitudes of people, but there are so many more faces, because each person has several of them. There are people who wear the same face for years…..It’s good enough, they say. Of course, since they have several faces, you might wonder what they do with the other ones. They keep them in storage. Their children wear them….But sometimes it also happens that their dogs go out wearing them. And why not? A face is a face….Other people change faces incredibly fast, put on one after another, and wear them out. because at first, they think they have an unlimited supply…”
So dear reader, it seems to me that with all these really smart, thoughtful people struggling over the centuries (millenia?) with this very same issue in their own lives, I reckon they can’t all be wrong. Nor therefore, can I be alone with this. What about you?
Seems to me like so much of this “beautiful struggle” of ours to keep growing – hopefully in authenticity – must therefore rest, firstly on acknowledging that important truths about ourselves have indeed gone into hiding somewhere (replaced by our masks); thus inviting us us to summon the courage to search for, find, reclaim and accept responsibility for all those verities – the “comfortable” familiar ones, AND the ones we’ve forsaken over time – either because we legitimately needed to for our “survival” in some way, or because we’ve labelled them as too distressing to think about.
Anne Lamott, a wise, wonderful, human hearted Bay area writer whose writing I love (you would too) expresses this very same discomfort of her own in an equally perceptive but – as is her habit – a more lighthearted fashion:
“My mind is like a dangerous neighborhood,
I try not to go in there alone”
And long before Annie humorously expressed her reluctance to poke around alone in her mind, the poet, Emily Dickinson addressed this very same phenomenon. Have a look and a listen:
“One need not be a chamber to be haunted,
One need not be a house;
The brain has corridors surpassing
Material place.
Far safer, of a midnight meeting
External ghost,
Than an interior confronting
That whiter host.
Far safer through an Abbey gallop,
The stones achase,
Than, moonless, one’s own self encounter
In lonesome place.
Ourself, behind ourself concealed,
Should startle most;
Assassin, hid in our apartment,
Be horror’s least.
The prudent carries a revolver,
He bolts the door,
O’erlooking a superior spectre
More near.”
So, why did some parts of ourselves go missing? Many, maybe even most of us, may well have needed to design a “false self” that satisfied the behavioral and cultural expectations of family and society. Indeed, this may have been necessary for our very survival. And, of course, behavior which suited our parents too, of course!
Safety may have been possible only within those boundaries – boundaries which then became the long-standing habits and patterns that have limited us ever since.
So although these “lessons” may possibly have been useful, perhaps necessary at the time, they no longer serve us.
Our “false self” may still please some others, but it diminishes and disguises us, even to ourselves – or, should I say, ESPECIALLY to ourselves. The truth though, is that deep down WE KNOW THIS, have always known it, haven’t liked it, and maybe, we rebelled….(ahh remember those teen years?).
Alice Miller (1923-2010), Swiss psychologist, psychoanalyst, author of 6 books on the topic of child abuse including her best known work: “The Drama Of The Gifted Child”, wrote as follows:“the love I gained with such uphill effort and self-defacement was not meant for me at all – BUT FOR THE ME I created to please THEM.”
I’d like you to meet Kate Makkai. Kate has some very strong memories that she shared about all this in a wonderful presentation at a poetry slam a few years back. It’s a very personal, honest, compelling, passionate video. You won’t soon forget Kate. Have a peek.
But just before that, my brief but usual HEADS UP for you:
I’ve packed this post with quite a lot of great media, particularly so that you can meet some great people who I totally believe will inform, and inspire you. So, if you are now reading this in your email, and if the videos ( although they aren’t long BTW) won’t play because the files are too big, simply click on the title headline at the top of this post. Doing that will take you to this same post on my website. The media will play from there. I do encourage you to view them! These brave people are SO worth meeting!
So now, having met and listened to her, I’d bet that if Katie ever decides to raise kids, she will be saying wayy different stuff to her daughter, than she heard from her mom, and would doubtlessly agree with Peggy O’Mara, editor and publisher of “Mothering” magazine from 1980-2011: “The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.”
But all’s not lost! This young lady “gets it” – and wayy sooner than many of us (me for sure!) did. Is this a smart, gutsy kid…or what? Good for her!!
Author David Richo, in his book, How To Be An Adult wrote that our fear of revealing our true self, is often “masked” in this familiar, but misguided fear. Who among us hasn’t harbored thoughts like these at some time in our lives? These words really do say it all:
“If people really knew me,
they would not like me.”
Richo suggests that we substitute the above sentiments and words with these others just below:
“I am free enough to want
everything that I say,
and everything that I do,
to reveal me as I am.
I love being seen as I am.”
And what’s so important about getting to this place of freedom that Richo describes? I’d like to share with you one answer – eloquently articulated by the late John Robert Wooden (1910-2010). Perhaps you remember John? If you were a college basketball fan you probably do. He was a member of the Basketball Hall of Fame as both a player (inducted in 1961) and as a coach (inducted in 1973). He was the first person ever enshrined in both categories. His ten NCAA national championships in a 12-year period while at UCLA are unmatched by any other college basketball coach. Wow!! And more, his youngsters LOVED him!!
Why? Well, for sure he taught them how to win basketball games; but wayy more important, about how to be REAL IN LIFE. Some typical wisdom from John for the kids he loved:
“Be more concerned with your CHARACTER than your REPUTATION, because CHARACTER is who you REALLY are – and who YOU KNOW YOU ARE, while your REPUTATION is merely what OTHERS think of you.”
Is it any surprise that these young people loved him back?
I think we need to remember that this worthy and in my view, essential commitment to the freedom that Richo talks about – the freedom of BEING SEEN, and of LOVING BEING SEEN as we are – absolutely does ask of us some measure of personal courage – perhaps harder at first, but easier and easier with time.
The courage, for example,simply to enter into, or speak up in a room full of people if we are not used to that; the courage to speak our truth, even if it’s not so popular; the courage to take a well considered action which feels like the right thing to do, even if it is something as simple as going out dressed in clothes or colors that suit US – ALL THESE THINGS and soo many others, even though some consequences to us could turn out to be awkward, messy, maybe even scary.
Early in life, many (most?) of us learned that it was not legitimate, or even safe, to show our true feelings, to make requests and offer our opinions freely, or to say no clearly to something we did not want. Dear reader, did you ever have to shut down or hide parts of yourself to “get through” your childhood or teens? Does any of that still impact you today? Did…and does…me.
At this time, and while we are on this topic of the courage of resolving to be seen just as who we are, there are three more amazing people I’d like you to meet if you are willing. You will not regret it, or forget them. If you take the (not such a long) time, they will inspire you. I guarantee it.
The first is Lizzie Velazquez. Lizzie, because of a medical condition explained by her, weighed under 3 pounds at birth, was “nicknamed” on facebook (after millions of views) as “The World’s Ugliest Woman” and even believed it until she had the courage to reject that cruel designation. Let’s meet Lizzie:
Tell me dear reader, did you see an ugly woman here? I sure don’t. What I see is a beautiful and extraordinarily brave woman. I wish I had half her courage.
Ditto Amy Pence Brown: Enjoy her beautiful, courageous, poignant statement of Radical Self Acceptance generously shared with us from a busy street in Boise Idaho.
Now, just before you meet Fred Martinez, a brief word about those “consequences” that I mentioned earlier, before we met Lizzie and Amy. These “consequences” that WE fear, while we are considering “taking risks” for our personal freedom and growth – for our willingness to be seen just as we are, I’d like to offer some perspective about those “risks”.
That’s because these “consequences”, to us, are nowhere, NOWHERE on the scale of those which were met with by Fred Martinez – A PROFILE IN COURAGE – for her commitment to live being seen as who she was.
Meet beautiful Fred when he was a preteen.
Voila another photo of Fred shortly before she was murdered at age 16.
Fred Martinez was Navajo, and also “nádleehí”, a Navajo word for a male-bodied person with a feminine nature – a quality sometimes referred to in Native cultures as “TWO-SPIRITED”, and of “ONE WHO CONSTANTLY TRANSFORMS”.
This body/mind state is viewed as a special gift according to his ancient Navajo culture as well as in many other American Indian Tribes.
But grievously, and tragically for FRED, this view is not universally shared in the broader culture, where gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender individuals can still encounter discrimination – even violence.
When she was beaten to death at 16, with a rock in Cortez Colorado, Fred became one of the youngest hate-crime victims in modern history.
Quite a while ago, I was privileged to see a wonderful documentary film, called TWO SPIRITS, which explores deeply into Fred’s specific story; but way more into the Navajo belief that to maintain harmony, there must be a balanced interrelationship between the feminine and the masculine within each of us, in our families, families, in our culture, and in all of nature. There’s big learning in that film.
I’ve one last picture of Fred to share with you. Whenever I look at this beautiful photo of Fred dancing, the famous advice from Satchel Paige, the late, great major league pitcher/ philosopher comes to my mind. I wonder if Fred ever heard it: “When you dance, DANCE LIKE NOBODY’S WATCHING!!”
Practice Tip
Dear reader, if you might be interested in doing something concrete about showing more of your real face to the world, I have a suggestion, because I did this and found it helpful for me.
Take a sheet of paper and write down 2 or 3 of your long held past beliefs about yourself, how you feel those may have disguised you, may no longer be serving you, and that you would now would like to, and intend to, leave behind. Then, after and under those, write down 2 or 3 more beliefs – but this time as regards the true face that you have now “accepted the responsibility” to show the world.
That’s it for now. If you are still reading this far, thanx for sticking with me .
And until next time, please take care of, and be kind to – yourself.
Metta,
Michael
“What we have to be,
Is what we are.”
Thomas Merton
